December Bonus Review #1 Lightyear

Lightyear is a 2022 Disney Pixar title based off of the popular Toy Story character. It wasn’t received particularly well by either critics or audiences. Is it that bad? Well, I’m going to have a look and judge it for myself.

Story:

We open with a short blurb telling us that this is, in fact, the film that the Buzz Lightyear toy was based off of in the Toy Story universe. You know, just in case the name and the very iconic Buzz Lightyear spacesuit weren’t enough to clue you into that little fact. We move on to see Buzz and his fellow space rangers, Alisha Hawthorne & Featheringhamstan, exploring an unknown planet when they’re forced to flee due to giant, hostile insects and slithering vines. Buzz crashes the ship by mistake and the trio is forced to awaken the rest of the people on board, who are in stasis, and build a whole civilisation on this hostile world to try and repair their ship. Buzz is testing the new hyperspace crystal when he returns to find that four years passed on the colony while he was gone. After that the film covers a bunch of more attempts while time passes until the world around Buzz drastically changes.

There’s one massive issue with the film. While it has some good concepts in its premise, the execution is very lackadaisical. It’s like watching a very mediocre episode of Star Trek where the writers didn’t think things through very well or they just tried to incorporate too many side plots and didn’t have enough time to wrap them all up in a satisfactory way. Except this film is twice the length of a standard Trek episode. The issue is that there are so many elements to it hat could be entire films by themselves. The whole exploration of a hostile world could be its own film. Trying to build a colony on a hostile planet could be its own film. Trying to break the hyperspace barrier while losing touch with the world around you because time is moving far faster for it could be its own film. The whole invasion of Zurg could be its own film but it’s all crammed together which means nothing gets as much attention or developed as well as it should. We also have the whole reveal with Emperor Zurg which is actual rubbish. It’s very much a case of they had a bad idea but decided to use it anyway and then they implemented it poorly.

The best part of the film, no contest, is the whole relationship betwixt Buzz and his closest friend, Alisha. The whole montage sequence where we see them catch up after Buzz’s failed flights until she succumbs to old age is genuinely good and it’s pretty sad to see Buzz watching the final message she left for him. And watching him connect with her grown granddaughter after his final flight and gain some insight into what her life was like is a pretty sweet moment.

Characters:

Most of the characters in this film are just bland. The only four who are really worth mentioning are Buzz, Alisha, Izzy and Sox. Buzz is an okay character. His obsession with trying to make up for his piloting mistake makes sense and he has a nice little arc where he comes to terms with what’s happened. Alisha and Izzy have the best scenes in the film and the pair of them are by far the best characters. Sox is Buzz’s robot cat and he makes for a solid animal sidekick character.

Art:

The artwork and animation are both solid. As much as the film isn’t very impressive in most regards, it is a good looking film and I do appreciate that Sox’s design makes him look artificial with mechanical looking movements and all.

Sound:

The acting is fine. I know a lot of people were upset that Buzz was voiced by Chris Evans instead of Tim Allen but if we’re being honest, Evans isn’t an inherently worse voice for the character. The big thing that drags his performance down is that Lightyear doesn’t have as interesting or endearing of characterisation as Toy Story. Which is the exact reason that most of the performances in this are just decent. Not good, not bad. Uzo Aduba and Keke Palmer have the strongest performances because they voice the most compelling characters.

Ho-yay:

There’s a little bit. Alisha marries a woman and seems to live a happy life with her. Though we barely see her wife.

Areas of Improvement:

1. The film really needed a more focused narrative. I think they could have had an existing colony trying to break this speed barrier with Buzz as the test pilot, had the whole story about him coming back with years having passed and eventually had him return to an invasion that he had to help fend off and executed a much stronger, more cohesive story without the rubbish twist about Zurg and with more time to develop the story and characters.
2. The whole twist with Zurg’s identity just shouldn’t exist.
3. They really needed to develop their side characters better. Featheringhamstan basically fucks off after the opening sequence having contributed nothing. Then we have the two who accompany Buzz, Izzy and Sox against Zurg. He’s a coward and she’s a kind of shite version of the old lady from Atlantis.

Final Thoughts:

Honestly, this wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be given the general response. It’s still not a good film. While it has some aspects that do kind of work, it’s very underwhelming and mediocre overall. My final rating is going to be a 5/10.

June Bonus Review: The Owl House

Now, I like to think of every month as Pride month and I will proudly support the LGBT population at any time. I don’t extend that to certain people who are complete twats like Caitlyn Jenner, but those of you who are decent people are beautiful, fabulous and I love you. But this is technically Pride month so I thought I’d look at something related.

Imagine my surprise when I heard that Disney had released a very pro-LGBT cartoon with queer romance, non-binary characters and a lot of other good stuff. The same company that wouldn’t let Lexington have a boyfriend in the Gargoyles cartoon but hid his man away in the spin-off comics they never advertised? The same company that wouldn’t let Gravity Falls have the background LGBT content that Alex Hirsch wanted to include? I’m sceptical, but let’s have a look.

Story:

Luz Noceda is a strange girl. She’s interested in magic, flowery books and gets very invested in creative stuff. Her mum decides to send her to a camp where she can learn practical, real world skills. Which sounds boring but is probably still better than the Bible camp I used to get sent to. But before she can get sent away she follows a magical owl through a strange doorway and finds herself Isekai’d to a magical place called the Boiling Isles. Naturally, she decides to stay and learn magic so that she can be a witch. She meets some friends, gets to attend a school of magic and has all kinds of magical adventures with her mentor, Eda the Owl Lady and the adorable demon, King. But not all is eerily beautiful on the Isles, there’s a tyrannical Emperor named Belos who seems to be planning something huge.

The only issue I have with the writing is that the final season seems a bit rushed. Dana Terrace and the rest of the writing staff definitely would have benefited from more time to flesh things out. Unfortunately, Disney decided to pull the plug early in spite of the series being highly regarded and pretty popular. I’m sure the reason why has absolutely nothing to do with the LGBT content. And if you believe that, I have a line of Condominiums in Heaven and I’ll sell you one for only 100k Euros. Make the most of your afterlife.

With that being said, however. The writers do do a fantastic job of making maximum use of the limited time they do have in the final season. They get in some cute scenes and tie up all the important story elements in a satisfying way and they deliver an amazing ending in spite of their limited runtime. The series also excels at foreshadowing. There are so many examples of background objects and dialogue that seem like innocuous fluff but then they have a massive payoff within the plot. I get the distinct impression that every important plot point was somewhat fleshed out very early on and that allowed the writers to sneak in little hints at them. The world building is also phenomenal. The Boiling Isles are such a bizarre, otherworldly place but they’re also incredibly fleshed out and have a lot of strong details behind their history, the magic system and the social structure.

The writers also deserve a lot of credit for imbuing the series with some amazing humour. It’s very stylistically reminiscent to the gags in Gravity Falls but slightly better in terms of execution. And Gravity Falls was hilarious. Another big part of the series is this underlying theme that you can’t judge things based solely on appearances. There’s so much horrific looking imagery that turns out to be innocent and wholesome and there are so many scenarios that start out looking like one thing but shift into something completely different. Some of them you can kind of guess once you get used to the writing aesthetic but there are others that only really make sense in hindsight. A great example is with the stuff leading up to Yesterday’s Lie and the payoff thereof.

Characters:

The characterisation in this series is fantastic. It starts out a little bit slow. For the first six episodes it looks like it’s going to be a bit standard but then they start shifting the script, giving the characters more complexity and motivations to explain why they are the way they are. At that point we start seeing the true brilliance of the character writing. I also appreciate that our young heroes are allowed to have childish flaws and vulnerabilities but it’s superbly executed and under-stated. Whereas a lot of media would just make them annoying little shits, this one lets them express those aspects of childhood while also making them some of the most endearing characters out there.

The interactions are top notch. The blossoming romance with Luz and Amity is executed flawlessly. Luz’s friendships with Gus and Willow are great. The whole dynamic with Eda and her sister, Lilith is highly compelling. Eda and Luz end up with a really interesting familial dynamic. Hunter develops some really strong bonds with most of the major characters. King is a fantastic character with some really interesting relationships with the others. Especially Luz and Eda. Luz’s relationship with her mother is also perfectly handled. I actually love all the major characters and some of the minor ones like Tinella Nosa, Vee and Steve.

I have to also give the writers a lot of credit for the major antagonists. Specifically, Belos, Kikimora and Odalia. These characters aren’t likeable and don’t really have redeeming qualities. However, they are all bad in ways that are realistic. Belos is a zealot who is absolutely convinced that what he’s doing is heroic. Kikimora is a very sycophantic person who wants nothing more than Belos’ favour. Odalia is a savage businesswoman who just doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself and her family.

Art:

The artwork in this is honestly breathtaking. It might not have the most complex/ detailed style but the environments, character designs and animation (especially during big scenes) are all so imaginative and perfectly executed that the series ends up just looking fantastic.

Sound:

The performances in this are really good. Sarah Nicole Robles, Mae Whitman, Alex Hirsch, Tati Gabrielle, Wendie Malick, Cissy Jones, Isaac Ryan Brown, Matthew Rhys and the rest of the cast all deliver excellent performances. They can deliver humorous lines perfectly and also execute more sombre, serious moments with ease. The music is flawless. Brad Breeck and TJ Hill absolutely killed it.

Ho-yay:

There’s more than I expected, even after hearing people talk about the series. We obviously have the big romance with Luz & Amity. Which is ceaselessly adorable and perfect in every way. There are also some hints of romance with Eda and the non-binary Raine. We also get some with Vee and the non-binary Masha. Willow has two dads and there are some hints that Amity’s dad may have had a thing with the male coven head Darius at some point. Amity’s sister also flirts with Luz a little bit, before Luz starts dating her sister. And we know Amity’s brother has a date with a non-binary person at some point but we don’t know anything about them.

Areas of Improvement:

1. The series should have been longer.
2. The series should have been longer.
3. Seriously, Disney, this needed a proper twenty six episode third season.

Final Thoughts:

This is legitimately among the best cartoons I’ve ever seen. The writing is clever, expertly executed and well thought out. The characters are top-tier with fantastic interpersonal dynamics. The art, animation and acting are all superb. I actually enjoyed this more than Gravity Falls. I’m giving it an enthusiastic 10/10. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. Especially to fans of Gravity Falls (since the writing aesthetic and humour are pretty similar), fantasy fans and those of us who think the LGBT community deserves more representation.

December Bonus Review #2: Frozen

In 2013 Disney released Frozen and it became a massive success. It’s had shorts, a sequel and a bunch of tie-in merchandise. Is it actually as good as all that would indicate? Let’s have a look.

Story:

In the distant land of Arendelle there live two princesses, Anna and Elsa. Elsa is born with great powers and must learn to control them from a bald man in a wheelchair and defend people who fear and hate her. Wait, wrong franchise. What actually happens is that there’s an accident and Elsa hurts her little sister. This results in her parents consulting with some trolls. They come to the decision to isolate Elsa and try to bring her powers under control. Obviously this goes wrong. The parents die in an offscreen shipwreck and we resume things with Elsa being crowned, still trying to keep her powers under wraps.

I’m actually going to start with the elements I like about the film instead of the elements I don’t. First off, I like the fact that the film actually acknowledges how dumb it is to get engaged to someone you’ve just met. Even if it does feel very disingenuous coming from Disney where at least half their princesses pursue some dude they barely know and, in some cases haven’t even talked to. I also appreciate the message that you can’t change someone but you can inspire them to be their best self. Although that one also feels disingenuous coming from Disney where many a Princess has gotten involved with a complete douchebag only to change him through the power of love. Hi Belle. Hi Rapunzel. It’s also nice to see a Disney film that puts more focus on a familial relationship than on a romantic one. I think the only two times Disney actually had that as their focus before this were Lilo & Stitch and Brave. Except both of those films did it better. I also do like the fact that the act of true love we see in the film is platonic and not romantic.

My main issue with this film is that there are some major elements that are hugely under-developed. The relationship betwixt Anna and Elsa feels like they had an outline of they’re close as children, they start drifting apart because of the accident then they reunite but the writers barely went beyond that. The antagonist’s defeat is also a real let down. With most Disney villains we get to see them beaten in some epic way. Even Disney’s worst animated film had the villain rammed with a literal boat. In this he just kind of has his sword broken and staggers back pathetically afterwards. It’s a very weak finish.

Characters:

I like the idea of Anna and Elsa and their relationship, even if it’s not executed all that well. I also like the idea of the twist villain even though he goes out like a pathetic little bitch. Olaf is a massive annoyance and by far one of the worst mascot character’s in Disney’s animated library. Most of their mascots don’t do that much they’re just sort of there looking cute and might help in some small way. Olaf never shuts the fuck up and ninety percent of what he says is stupid.

Art:

The film looks good. They have strong character designs and the characters have very detailed expressions. There are some strong set pieces with Elsa’s ice castle or with the troll village.

Sound:

The acting is pretty good. especially from Idina Menzel and Kristen Bell. The only bad performance comes from Josh Gad but a big part of that is just that his character is so completely insufferable. What I really want to talk about is the music. Frozen is one of those Disney films that has one really good song, Let it Go, some practical songs that serve specific purposes within the film but aren’t great musically and the completely pointless song, In Summer. Hey, at least it has one song that’s worth listening to on its own.

Ho-yay:

There isn’t any. I know that Idina Menzel said in an interview that she wouldn’t mind if Disney gave Elsa a girlfriend but it doesn’t happen and I doubt the sequel does either. Methinks Disney is still a good ways off from having an openly lesbian princess in one of their main line films.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Just get rid of Olaf completely.
2. Elsa and Anna really need a better developed relationship dynamic for what the film is trying to do.
3. The villain’s defeat should be a lot more dynamic. The easy way would be to have his sword broken and then let Elsa just blast him with ice or encase him in a block of it. Either one would have been more interesting to look at.

Final Thoughts:

Now, maybe I’m overly cynical, but I don’t really see the widespread appeal here. The film has some good ideas but none of them are all that well developed or executed. It only has one good song. The snowman is obnoxious. Overall, it’s just a decent film. Not good, certainly not great, but okay. I’m giving it a 6/10.

September Bonus Review: Atlantis- The Lost Empire

I’ve talked about quite a few Disney films. Including the ones Disney itself is most ashamed of: The Black Cauldron and Song of the South. I’ve also talked about their worst animated film, The Little Mermaid and one of my favourites, The Rescuers. This time around, I want to talk about another one of my favourites, and the film I think is Disney’s most under-rated, Atlantis: The Lost Empire.

Atlantis came out in 2001 to a mixed reception from critics and a less than stellar box office. It’s also one of the few Disney animated films that’s courted an older audience placing it in the same category as The Black Cauldron. But let’s forget all that for a moment and talk about why this film is an obscure gem from Disney’s massive vault.

Story:

Our protagonist is Milo Thatch, a brilliant young man who’s been basically banished to the museum’s boiler room on account of his interest in pursuing the legend of Atlantis. Things change when he meets an old friend of his grandfather’s, Preston Whitmore. Whitmore’s acquired the lost journal with hints to the location of Atlantis and he has an old bet with Milo’s grandfather to honour. As such, he’s willing to fully fund an expedition and needs Milo as a linguistic expert. This begins the quest to find Atlantis.

One element that really works wonderfully is the pacing. There’s a good amount of set up leading up to Milo’s departure with the expedition team. There’s a good amount of time spent on the voyage and plenty of time reserved for both the initial encounter with Atlantis, the build up for the climax, the climax itself and the wrap up. The film also has a great sense of humour and there are quite a few really funny moments. What’s more impressive is that the film is actually really good about balancing those comedic moments with some quite somber, serious moments without going too far in one direction or otherwise allowing one tone to diminish the other. The foreshadowing can be a little too obvious at times, but it does provide a solid backbone for the story. And the story is highly compelling. It continually opens up new avenues to keep your interest right up until the end comes around and it starts wrapping everything up.

Characters:

The characters in this are really interesting. Milo makes a great protagonist because he’s so relatable. He’s a smart guy with an idiot boss who won’t listen to him or let him use his talents. I appreciate that a lot of Milo’s expedition companions, in fact all the ones with major roles, are decently fleshed out and complex characters. They aren’t portrayed as being the best people out there, but they also aren’t demonised. With the exception of the main antagonist. I also like the way Milo bonds with most of them. It leads to some really strong dynamics. Princess Kida’s dynamic with her father is also really well done and I appreciate that when they argue, they’re both allowed to bring up good points and neither one is shown as completely right.

The one critique I have is that the dynamic between Milo and Kida feels a bit rushed. And you could easily make the case that it’s not as bad as the romantic dynamics in most Disney films but it still would have benefited from more build up or by being portrayed as a strong friendship without the romantic overtones.

Art:

The artwork in this film is fantastic and it shines brightest during the big action sequences. The encounter with the leviathan, the climactic battle with the Atlantian crafts against the mercenary ones, the part at the end with the lava flow. All of those scenes are stunning and flow excellently. I also credit Disney with having really strong character designs and detailed backgrounds in this film.

Sound:

They got a really strong cast for this. Michael J. Fox, Cree Summer, Jacqueline Obradors, Phil Morris, Leonard Nimoy, Don Novello, Florence Stanley and James Garner are all excellent in this film. The music is well composed and perfectly complementary for the atmosphere.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Show a little more subtlety with the whole “there are people here, that changes everything” discussion. Because the way it unfolds pretty much tells you who the villain is going to be immediately.
2. You don’t need the leads to have a romantic dynamic. I know, Disney, it’s scary to think of an animated film that doesn’t throw in blatant romance for no reason. But look at Studio Ghibli. A lot of their films have dynamics that could be romantic but could also just be strong friendships. And that works a treat for them.
3. Maybe go a little subtler with the Mole. He’s just a little out of place in more serious segments.

Final Thoughts:

This is a fantastic film. Is it perfect? No, there are definitely things that could have been improved. Is it as good as the Rescuers? I would say they’re very close, but I prefer the Rescuers by just the thinnest margin. I’m giving this one a 9/10. If you haven’t seen it, I do highly recommend it. Definitely the fourth best Disney film in my opinion.

May Bonus Review: Song of the South

It’s a well known fact that old Disney films have a casual racism problem. Whether it’s the crows in Dumbo, the portrayal of native peoples in Peter Pan or the notorious centaur scene in Fantasia. One film that gets mentioned a lot in this context is 1946’s Song of the South. So, why am I reviewing it? Because it’s one of the common choices for their worst films. So, let’s see if it’s as bad or worse than The Little Mermaid.

Story:

Our tale takes place on a Plantation during the American Reconstruction. A family takes their young son there due to some kind of issue the father’s involved in. He leaves his wife and son behind while he goes to sort the situation. His son meets a friendly story teller named Uncle Remus who helps him come to terms with the problems he’s encountering by telling him stories of the Brer Rabbit.

So, the film has some stereotyping but it’s honestly nowhere near as racist as I expected from hearing people talk about it. Certainly not as bad as two of the films I mentioned in the opening. Honestly, I suspect its reputation comes not from the actual content of the film, but from the fact that it’s banal. All the characters are living very mundane, mostly happy lives. The whole plot is basically this boring ass kid getting attached to a kindly old man and his mother not approving. Not because Remus is black, but because she thinks his stories are a bad influence. The whole thing is very safe and not compelling. In contrast, Peter Pan and Dumbo both have a lot of elements people really like. Which means that most people are going to excuse their casual racism more.

The best part of this film is the animated segments. And those come across as cheap, knock offs of Warner Brothers cartoons. With Brer Rabbit being a significantly less entertaining and endearing version of Bugs Bunny. And yes, I know that the folk tale version of the Brer Rabbit is much older than Bugs. I’m just making a statement on the quality of the animated shorts.

Characters:

The characters in this are dull as dirt. Uncle Remus is the cloying, kindly old man. Cloying to the point where he gets unreasonably upset at the prospect that he could be causing problems with his stories. The kids are just slightly obnoxious kids. The parents and grandmother are basically nothing characters who just advance the plot by doing parent/ grandparent things.

Art, Cinematography, Visuals & Effects:

The artwork in the animated segments is certainly dated by today’s standards. For 1946, however, it’s pretty well done. And the blending of cartoons and live action, while very awkward by today’s standards, was impressive for that time period.

Acting & Music:

The best actor in this film, by far, is James Baskett. He just has a strong delivery and seems to be having a grand old time during the happy segments. Most of the adult actors just don’t seem to give a shit. You’d swear they were only in this film because they really needed the money or possibly because Disney kidnapped them and forced them to do it. The child actors are pretty bad. Their performances are just awkward. Harve Foster directed the live action segments, but doesn’t seem to have done a good job. The music is just mediocre. The most memorable song is Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah, which isn’t a particularly good song. It’s just kind of catchy.

Final Thoughts:

Honestly, I was going to do my usual “Areas of Improvement” segment, but a lot of this film’s biggest problems are it showing its age and it seems a bit fruitless to point them out especially given how obvious they are. So, is this film really all that bad? Not really. It’s banal. It’s trying very hard to be as safe as possible. And that makes it boring. If not for the old-fashioned, casual Disney racism, I’d call this a 5/10. As is, I’ll give it a 4/10. It’s probably not an old Disney film you’d want to track down, but they’ve definitely made worse.

How I’d have Handled Evolution AKA Why Disney Should hire my ass

Let me start by saying that the purpose of this is not to bash X-men Evolution again. I did that enough not long ago. This also is not replacing the bonus review for this month. That’ll probably go up next week. Nor do I actually think anyone high up within either Disney or Marvel is going to actually see this. No, this is about the core concept of Evolution. Because I do think the idea of a more light-hearted X-men show about the younger characters coming into their own could have been fantastic. So, here is how I would have handled the concept had I been in charge.

Let’s start with the basic world building elements. First off, I would not have the existence of mutants be a secret. With mutants who have obvious physical symptoms like Nightcrawler or Toad as well as those who would definitely abuse their powers, or those mutants like Cyclops who can’t control theirs, it just doesn’t make sense for ordinary citizens to just be ignorant of them.

In terms of Xavier’s school, I would have it be set up as a dorm for scholarship students at a prestigious private school. The private school would be run by someone familiar to comic fans and close to Xavier, probably Moira MacTaggert since she has shown the inclination for that sort of work in the comics and she’s a well known figure to any X-men fans. There would be rumours that the scholarship students at his dorm were all mutants, but there would be no proof.

Xavier’s dorms would also be the secret home of the adult X-men who would act as trainers and support for the main characters. These characters would not get episodes dedicated to them since the premise does favour the teen characters. The four characters I’d use in this capacity would be Cyclops (Scott Summers), Marvel Girl (Jean Grey), Wolverine (Logan) & Banshee (Sean Cassidy.)

I would portray Scott and Jean as Xavier’s first students and use them as the sort of ideal figures his current students can look up to. Logan would be their toughest trainer who also acts as a father figure when one of them is feeling more vulnerable. Like he did in the comics with Shadowcat, Rogue & Jubilee. There are a couple reasons I’d use Banshee. The first is his connection with Moira & Xavier. The second is that his background as a detective could lead to him having some nice insights for the students. The third I’ll go into when I talk about my main cast. I’ll stick to eight characters since that’s enough to have a good array of abilities and a strong ensemble cast without having so many it’s unwieldy.

As for the main figures, the students, I’d start with Storm (Ororo Munroe). She’d make a strong leader for the group and she was close to the right age when she started in the comics. You could play her up as both a big sister figure and as a bit of a punk since the comics have strong support for both. Hell, there was a point where she actually was acting as team leader, being a “big sister figure” and sporting a mohawk and leather. I wouldn’t actually give her that look since it’s way too 80s, but the mentality could work.

I would put in Shadowcat (Kitty Pryde) as one of the younger members of the main group. Not only does she have a close connection with Storm in the comics that you could adapt but her being a somewhat awkward genius could be used for quite a bit of material.

Next would be Nightcrawler (Kurt Wagner). I probably would do the Evolution thing and give him an image inducer. I wouldn’t act like his wearing gloves could disguise the fact that he only has three fingers on each hand, but him having the inducer isn’t a bad idea. Not only does he have a long history with both Ororo & Kitty to draw material from, but you could play up his more swashbuckling side and have a lot of fun with it. It would be a fun element for children and a nice nod to the comics.

My next pick would be Colossus (Piotr Rasputin.) Partly, this is because of his history with the other three. But I also think it would be interesting to have a major character who’s large, powerfully built and also incredibly gentle and artistically inclined.

My next choices would be Wolfsbane (Rahne Sinclair) & Mirage (Danielle Moonstar.) The reason I bring these two up together is that so much of why I would include them, ties into their dynamic. One of the best parts of the New Mutants was Dani & Rahne’s relationship. They had such a close, touching bond. And a very, very gay one. Cause Claremont wanted to make them a couple, but Marvel editorial wouldn’t allow it. And I think it would be interesting to explore their relationship from the start in a more modern era where very few people are going to complain about them being an official couple.

Pick number seven would be Siryn (Theresa Rourke Cassidy.) This is the last reason I’d have Banshee in a supporting role. Because there haven’t been a lot of really good comics that have explored this father/daughter relationship. Any time they get started, Banshee seems to die. Plus, I think it would be interesting to show a teenage Theresa react to her father starting a romance with Moira.

My final choice would be Angel (Warren Worthington III.) First off, his character hasn’t gotten much of a spotlight in cartoons. Secondly, he is an interesting character. He has some of the hallmarks of a rich, play boy but he also has a strong sense of responsibility & justice. Plus, I think it would be interesting to see a religious boy like Kurt to respond to an angelic figure like Warren. Especially when they’ve both got their mischievous sides. I would probably have the two of them become close friends and cause some light mischief.

I’d add in characters like Illyana Rasputin, Gambit & Yukio as occasional supporting figures. Since Illyana is close to both her elder brother and Kitty. Gambit could be played up as a good-hearted scoundrel figure who manages to better himself through encounters with the group. Yukio has a history of bringing out the wildness in Storm in the comics, so I think bringing her in as Ororo’s best friend could be quite interesting.

For some reoccurring antagonists, I would give Mystique her own Brotherhood. I’d basically set it up so that she & Destiny were training some older mutant teenagers for mercenary work. And it would be based on the assumption that they’d be more loyal if she taught them at that age. This would include Pyro, Blob, Avalanche & Phantazia. Rogue would also be seen with this group since her adoptive mothers would be running it. Although Mystique would try to keep her out of harm’s way, considering her too young.

I’d bring Rogue in as a supporting figure for the X-men by having her discover that Nightcrawler is Mystique’s son and decide to get close to her brother. But she wouldn’t tell him that and he’d have no idea why she was so keen on spending time with him. I think you could get a lot of story mileage out of that.

Magneto and his acolytes would be shown as foes the X-men have faced. But the characters you’d mostly see from that group would be his children, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. I’d keep the Maximov surname for them and basically have it be their mother’s maiden name. There would be at least one scene where he’d talk to them about why they can’t use his name and he’d say something like: “Ever since I lost your mother, I learned how dangerous my work can be for those around me. You two are my greatest treasures. If things go wrong and something happens to me, I want you to have long, fulfilling lives. Not be immediate targets for anyone who has a vendetta against me. That’s why you must keep your mother’s name. It’s safer… cleaner for you.”

You would see Exodus being left in charge of watching the twins but there would be a running thing where they ditch him and end up coming into contact with the X-men group.

In terms of how I’d handle their adventures, I’d take a page out of the writing for the New Mutants, since they were also a younger group of mutants who weren’t supposed to fight. The main group would either be going about their business and get caught up in something or they’d catch wind of something and decide that the adult team was too busy or that they could handle it themselves.

I’d avoid threats that were too severe like Apocalypse since it is supposed to be more light-hearted and I’d just have fun with it. Because I think those eight major characters combined with their various supports could provide a lot of potential stories. And some very strong ones. You could also do some that were just a bit silly and fun but made sense for the characters. Like, you could have Quicksilver decide that he needs to find a nice Jewish girl to date in honour of his nationality and try to romance Kitty even though he’s not actually that interested in her. That could be really funny depending on execution.

But that’s the basic outline of how I’d handle a series with that premise. Hell, if there were an X-men cartoon like that on Disney+, I’d watch it. I’d even get a subscription if it was available here. Although I’m sure that’s coming.

March Bonus Review: The Little Mermaid

Before I begin, let me explain what happened last week. I had some PC problems and I basically ended up without a working one from early Tuesday until early Saturday. Which basically translated to me missing all my usual update times. So, this week I’ll put up two anime reviews with the extra probably going up on Saturday. Now, with the elephant properly addressed, let’s move on.

When I reviewed The Black Cauldron a couple months back, one of the things I noted was that, unlike this film, it’s not one of Disney’s atrocious offerings. Well, I knew I’d have to extrapolate on that eventually. And today, is that day.

Story:

So, we know the basic story. A mermaid falls for a human, trades her voice and possibly her freedom for legs & a cloaca in order to woo him. That’s right, Ursula doesn’t give her a proper human body. That’s canon.

So, what exactly makes this film so bad? Well, let’s start by talking about the motivation problem. Say what you want about Disney’s early heroines like Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora or Maid Marian. Say they’re boring damsels with nothing better to do than wait for their respective Princes to come to their rescue. But, one thing all of them have over Ariel, is that they’re in bad situations through no fault of their own. They get cursed, kidnapped or forced to do nothing but chores by their wicked stepmother.

Ariel, in contrast, lives a charmed life. She’s a princess in a great undersea kingdom. She has family and friends who love her. Her dad even lets her go to Hominid-con with her weird fake legs provided she follows some fair boundaries. But she feels unsatisfied because she wants to go up to dry land and have free reign of thirty percent of the planet instead of seventy. Plus her dad has rules and she’s sixteen so she considers that totally bogus. Basically, she has the same issues as Blanda in the second series of SAO.

The second problem, which ties into the first, is that Ariel directly causes all of her own misfortunes. The first thing we see her do is shirk off an obligation in order to almost get eaten by a shark. After that she decides she’s totally in love with a human she spied on for five minutes and actually interacted with for thirty seconds. And by interacted with, I mean she pulled him ashore so he wouldn’t drown. And in order to chase after that human dick she’s been craving, she basically puts herself in a hugely perilous situation by taking a contract from the sea witch who everyone with multiple brain cells should know isn’t trustworthy. Ursula even gives her an advantage by taking away her voice so her stupid, vapid mouth noises won’t immediately ruin her chances. That’s sporting of her.

Then there’s the third major narrative problem. The romance is shite. Yeah, there’s not much romance for Snow White, Aurora or Cinderella either since they basically marry the boring dudes who rescue them from their lousy situations but at least these guys do something for them. Ariel just sees her boring prince and decides she’s sick of the Mermen at Hominid-con with their fake human bits, she wants a real human dick. You could seriously replace Prince Whatever Who Cares with any decent looking dude and it would all be the same. Princess Vapid would probably still totally fall for them too because this has as much in common with a love story as the Star Trek/ X-men crossover has in common with a psychological horror.

Another thing I have to bring up is messaging. Most media for children is trying to convey some kinds of messages for the audience. Usually, I don’t talk about it because it’s basic stuff like “follow your dreams” or “even if you seem small, you can make a difference if you try.” In this case, I’ll make an exception because any possible message you can take from this film is horrible when you think about it for five seconds. Is the message “When you’re a teenager you know what’s best and your parents need to acknowledge it?” Maybe it’s “If you get yourself in a serious mess, Daddy will bail you out. Don’t worry about it.” Perhaps the message is “That attractive person you’ve never spoken to but you’ve been stalking totally wants you. You just need to get close to them and make it happen.” Or how about “Shady contracts always work out for the person who signs them because if someone’s trying to trick you, they’ll get their comeuppance.”

Characters:

Here’s another major issue with this film. The most likeable character, is the villain. Which shouldn’t happen since Disney villains tend to be very much evil for the evils. Then we notice who she’s up against. Ariel is a useless vapid cunt. Flounder is the obnoxious sidekick character. Although he’s probably delicious with some butter, a little lemon and pepper. Sebastian is the over-indulgent nursemaid. King Triton would be a decent enough character, since he’s just a dad trying to do what’s best for his daughter but they fuck it up at the end where he decides that he’s had enough of her shit and he just lets her go off to make the boring Prince’s life miserable.

Art & Visuals:

I do have to give the film credit in this regard. They did a good job of designing a magical underwater kingdom and a lot of the undersea scenes where they’re just showing the ocean life swimming around look good. The only serious problem with the art is that the final action sequence is pretty anti-climactic.

Acting & Music:

As a whole, the acting is basically competent. Jason Marin’s performance is annoying but that’s also a product of his character being that type. Jodi Benson is also pretty obnoxious to listen to, but that’s not so much her acting as it is the fact that every stupid thing that comes out of Ariel’s mouth makes you want to punch her. I don’t condone beating sixteen year old girls, but if I had to deal with her for an extended period of time I would be sorely tempted.

Some of the music is pretty catchy with the obvious examples being Under the Sea & Part of Your World. That being said, they are not good songs. Part of your World, in particular, has some stupid lyrics. Take this part:

Bet they don’t reprimand their daughters

Bright young women

sick of swimmin’

Ready to stand

First off, you sometimes have to reprimand your child. Even when they’re a teenager because teenagers think they know more than they actually do. Secondly, you are not bright, Ariel. Every single thing you say and do indicates that you would lose a battle of wits to a toothbrush. You’re the type of person you could keep occupied for days by handing a slip of paper with “turn over” written on both sides. Third, these last couple lines make no sense. It would be like me saying I’m sick of walking and ready to hover.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Give Ariel and Prince Whatever a developed relationship. Instead of her falling for him after stalking his ship for five minutes, have them actually sneak out to meet one another as an ongoing thing. You can fix the whole Ursula thing by having Ariel trade her appearance and voice. You can even still make her pretty. You can make the impetus him saying that he has to find a bride within a short frame of time. That gives more motivation behind why Ariel would risk so much for him. And by more, I mean any.
2. Make Ariel older. Seriously, a lot of Triton’s perfectly reasonable boundaries become less reasonable if she’s, say, nineteen and an actual adult. Which makes for a more interesting, nuanced discussion.
3. Have Ariel display actual intelligence and gratitude for what she has. That would go a long way in making her not a horrible character.

Final Thoughts:

So, that’s why The Little Mermaid is a rubbish film. It may actually be Disney’s worst big budget animated feature. If it’s not, I either haven’t seen the film that is or I can’t remember it. I’ll give it some credit for the competent acting and for having some nice visuals, but I’m not going to give it a whole lot given how egregiously terrible the writing is. I’m giving it a 2/10.

December Bonus Review #3: The Black Cauldron

Disney may be one of the world’s most famous studios but it’s not one I’ve looked at all that much, unless you want to count all the Marvel reviews I’ve done. It’s pretty much been The Rescuers. So, let’s look at another Disney feature. The Black Cauldron was released in 1985 and it was a huge commercial failure and it’s probably the film Disney likes to acknowledge the least. Yes, even less than Song of the South. Now, I never saw this film as a kid. I wasn’t born yet when it came out and its flop status basically meant that it wasn’t one of those “classics” that was released a thousand times and made available everywhere. So, let’s take a look at the film and ask two questions. First, does it deserve its negative reputation? Second, why did it bomb so badly?

Story:

We open with an explanation of what the titular Black Cauldron is. It’s a seal for an evil being who was feared even by the Gods. And those with wicked intentions seek to use its power for their own ends. We cut to a small farm where an elderly man and his assistant look after a pig. The assistant, Taran, wants to go out into the world as a soldier and stop the Horned King but is quickly reminded of his place. He’s washing the pig, Hen Wen, when she suddenly becomes agitated. It turns out she has the power of prophesy. The old man uses her power and becomes worried that the Horned King will find out. As such, he sends Taran off to hide with her and keep her safe. He’d go but he’s very old.

This results in Taran coming up against the Horned King and embarking on a quest to find the Black Cauldron to keep it out of wicked hands.

The biggest general issue with the story is the pacing. It never gives you time to sit with the main characters and get to know them. You pretty much go from one big event to the next pretty rapidly. If the film were even twenty minutes longer and had some time to breathe, it could have been legitimately an excellent film.

The film does provide you with an adventure. Even if it is hectically paced. There’s consistently something interesting happening. It also does a good job with tone. The film is considerably darker than other Disney films of the time but it’s never over done or poorly done. I quite appreciate the sacrifice scene towards the end as well. It has some power to it. I also like the way it works to give all its major characters a place in the party and moments to shine. In terms of fantasy films for a younger audience, this is up there.

Characters:

One side issue with the overly rapid pacing is that the characters don’t get as much development as I would like. That being said, they aren’t bad compared to a lot of the Disney films from that time. They’re at about the same level of complexity as Disney’s Robin Hood. 

One thing I will credit the film with is having the best Disney Princess of its time. Seriously, when this came out the Disney Princess formula was basically taking a helpless damsel, putting her into trouble outside of her control and letting the hero come to her rescue. See Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty & Maid Marian from Robin Hood. Princess Eilonwy, in contrast, takes an active role in the adventure and she meets Taran when she comes to his rescue. She’s portrayed as an equal partner in the adventure. Even if you compare her to all Disney heroines that existed at the time, Miss Bianca and Alice are the only two better characters and being number three is pretty respectable.

Art & Visuals

Here’s another area where you have to give this film credit. It looks stunning. The art direction is very impressive. The movements are smooth. The backgrounds look great. The Horned King is intimidating and his Cauldron born are pretty damn creepy for the five minutes they’re on screen.

Acting & Music:

Most of the acting is decent enough. The positive exceptions to that are John Hurt, who is excellent as the villain and Susan Sheridan who gives a strong performance as Eilonwy. The big exception in a negative sense is, unfortunately, Grant Bardsley as Taran. His lines just come across as awkward and stilted half the time. It’s like he wasn’t sure whether or not to exaggerate for the film and he kind of starts to only to pull it back. And all without much of that troublesome emoting. Elmer Bernstein’s musical score is pretty fantastic.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Take some more time to develop the characters and their relationships. If there’s one thing that could have benefited this film more than any other, it’s more relaxed pacing. Like I said, I’d give it an extra twenty minutes of run time.
2. A different lead to play Taran. I’m sorry, but Bardsley sucked.
3. Explain about the magical tools a bit. Of our main characters, three either have or acquire magical implements and there’s not really an explanation for, say, what Eilonwy’s glowing bauble actually does. Or why the bard carries a magic harp that snaps its strings when he lies.

Final Thoughts:

Is this one of Disney’s worst films? Personally, I’d say it isn’t. Honestly, I thought it was pretty solid. It has some notable flaws, certainly, but it also has quite a few factors going for it. I’d certainly put it far above Disney’s shit films like The Little Mermaid. I’d also put it higher than the more mediocre films like The Aristocats. So, why didn’t it do well? I think the fact that it is darker than Disney’s other films of the time was a factor. It’s tough to pull off a departure like that. I would also say Bardsley’s performance was a part of it. It’s not easy to sell audiences on a character who sounds like that. The hectic pacing and the film’s high budget were probably also contributing factors. Still, I’d go so far as to give this one a 7/10. It’s not one of Disney’s best, but it’s pretty good. If you haven’t seen it and you like fantasy, give it a try.

August Bonus Review: The Rescuers

The Rescuers was a Disney film from the late 70s. Although they started development in the early 60s but it was considered too politically charged which led to it being canned and then picked up again later. I’m not sure what’s so political about it. Maybe the idea of a woman doing what was traditionally “men’s work.” Maybe the scene where Miss Bianca explains the merits of income redistribution due to a massive income disparity being unsustainable for a healthy nation. (Okay, I made that one up) or maybe it’s because the original script was completely different.

Story:

We open with a young girl throwing a bottle into the water. We follow the bottle through a series of really nice watercolour looking stills until it lands and gets found by a bunch of mice. Fortunately for the young girl, these are the helpful, nice variety of mice who chew through ropes to free lions among other things. We cut to a meeting of the Rescue Aid Society, a group of mice that take it upon themselves to help those in trouble. And they’ve called this meeting of global mice solely to assign one or two to save the girl. This organisation may have had some problems with efficiency before they formed their mobile Rescue Ranger units.

The Hungarian mouse, Miss Bianca, asks for the assignment. The chairman hesitates, since this is apparently the first time a female mouse has actually been given a rescue assignment, in spite of their being several female mice in the group. She’s given the assignment but told to take a partner. Naturally, all the male mice volunteer because Hungarian ladies, and lady mice apparently, are smexy. She picks Bernard, the janitor. Probably because he’s the only one who isn’t in a position to claim all the credit. And the two set off to find the girl who needs help and come to her rescue.

Narratively, the film does basically everything right. The pacing is well crafted. It knows when to have calmer, slower moments and when to go into more intense sequences involving cars, swamp mobiles alligators and other perils. Even the song placement is very nice. The writers do a great job of conveying just how difficult it is for two little mice to try and be heroes. The climax is superb.

About the only thing I can criticise is that the Rescue Aid Society has a bunch of representatives from various countries and then one from the entire continent of Africa. Maybe Africa’s continental branch was busy with rescue work and they thought the meeting was just to touch base so they picked one agent to represent them. And then she found out that they’d called everyone for one rescue operation and she went back to report that the other continental branches had way to much time on their hands before returning to Wakanda.

Characters:

Miss Bianca is a great character. She clearly cares about helping others and doing her assignment, but she also gets as much joy out of things as she can. She’s taking the adventure seriously but also enjoying everything it has to offer. Which makes her a delight to watch. Bernard is kind of the opposite. He’s always worrying and scared but does what needs to be done any way. Which makes him a very courageous character but he’s also just a bit annoying. I also like Penny quite a bit. Her first response upon meeting the mice is just “did you bring the police?” which is very sensible. But then she wants to swipe Madame Medusa’s swamp mobile because she wants to drive it. And she taunts the cloying crony because he’s scared of the alligators. Which is great. The villains are pretty much your typical Disney antagonists. Nasty, trashy people who just want wealth even if it means sending a child into a hole to search for treasure. Although they do take it to another level by giving Medusa a shotgun to fire off indiscriminately. I actually love that scene, not gonna lie.

The side characters are a lot of fun. Whether it’s Zipper… I mean Evinrude or the muskrat couple. He gives people moonshine to perk them up and she goes to town with the rolling pin in the climax. Actually, the little swamp critters charging into action is one of the best parts in the film. Rufus & Orville are fun supporting characters too.

Art:

The film clearly didn’t have the most robust budget in the world. They take some short cuts in order to save on animation, including the stills at the opening and some slow scenes but it still looks quite nice and it is well animated.

Sound:

For the sake of this review, I watched the English version for the first time. I have to say, the acting is really good. Bob Newhart and Eva Gabor make for strong leads. Michelle Stacy makes for a strong Penny. Geraldine Page, Joe Flynn, Jim Jordan and the others are all good. In terms of music, the Rescue Aid Society anthem is a great, upbeat tune. Tomorrow is Another Day is an excellent song to aid in the atmosphere during a calmer moment & Someone’s waiting for You is a beautiful but also sad melody. I will say, I liked Wenche Myhre’s versions better than Shelby Flint’s but Flint’s are great too.

Final Thoughts:

The Rescuers may just be one of the five best Disney animated films of all time. And I’m not even joking. It’s a great adventure with a strong cast, strong characters, perfectly placed, well written songs a strong visual aesthetic and a lot of scenes that are memorable for all the right reasons. Its flaws, by comparison, are pretty minor. Ultimately, I give it a 9/10.

November Bonus Review: Gravity Falls

Gravity Falls is a Disney cartoon that ran from ’12 to ’16 with two series and forty episodes. At its time, it got a lot of attention and a lot of adults were praising it as being an example of what a kid’s cartoon should be. Which I kind of ignored because I’ve heard the same thing about a lot of other cartoons, some of which have been utter bollocks. So, I’ll be watching through it for the first time for this review. Shh, don’t spoil it.

Story:

We follow twins, Dipper & Mabel Pines, as they stay with their Great Uncle Stan at his Mystery Shack tourist spot in the small town of Gravity Falls Oregon. While exploring in the woods, Dipper finds a mysterious journal that talks about the strange supernatural phenomena happening in the town. Following up on the things mentioned therein will lead to the two having one unforgettable summer filled with adventures & mystery.

I honestly can’t think of any major narrative problems with this series. It’s stories are pretty straight forward & very optimistic, both of which are fine. It can be predictable, for an adult, but it’s intended for children. So, I don’t see any problem there either. If anything, a show for children should be a bit predictable for adults. Since we have a lot more experience with media and, with it, trope knowledge.

In stark contrast, I have to give the series a lot of credit. The strange world of Gravity Falls is highly inventive and it does some subversive stuff. Like having highly cheerful gravediggers or bringing unicorns into the equation only to have them take the piss. Going along that vein, this series is really bloody funny. There aren’t many things that get me bursting out in uproarious laughter. I usually end up having more a quiet chuckle when I find something funny. This got me laughing my arse off quite a few times. Sometimes with jokes that are kind of old, but they just executed very well. To give an example, there’s a line from Grunkle Stan about how “he can’t find the remote and he refuses to stand up” that really got to me. It’s a joke I’ve seen many times and that normally wouldn’t get anything out of me, but the combination of the jape with the channel he’s got on, the distance he actually is from the telly & the delivery makes it really funny. I also appreciate that some of the lessons they bring up are important ones that I haven’t seen in a lot of cartoons. Like the fact that an absent parent doesn’t really care about you and you may as well forget about them and appreciate the people who do care about you.

Then, we have the finale. This one is full of twists and turns. It has a lot of strong triumphant moments and some more melancholy bitter-sweet ones. It has some really sweet scenes, and I’m not using “sweet” in a slang sense. It also has some epic bits that I don’t want to spoil. One thing worth noting is that the theme tune actually changes for the finale episodes. Yes, this series makes the theme tune an important reflection of the state of things happening in the series. Which is a nice tough that you don’t see in many things. The ending is absolutely amazing is what I’m saying.

Characters:

About the worst I can say about this aspect is that some of the mystical creatures they encounter lack individuality. The Manotaurs are pretty much interchangeable, as are the gnomes, as are the unicorns. Which I can’t fault them for too much, especially since the creatures tend to show up as a major part of one episode and then kind of go to the background. Overall, though, I really like the characters. The major characters have just the right level of complexity and development. The side characters may be largely defined by their quirks, but they’re an endearing lot. I freaking love the happy funeral directing couple, for example. They have the best morbid jokes.

Art:

The art uses a relatively simplistic style, but it uses it to great effect. The surreal and bizarre scenes are really well done. The character designs are memorable. I don’t even care that some characters have those weird, huge muppet noses. The scenes flow nicely too. There’s real effort put into making the series look nice and it pays off.

Sound:

Here’s an area where I have some issues. Dipper sounds too old. He’s supposed to be twelve, but his voice sounds like someone who’s gone completely through puberty and possibly started University. Then we have Grenda. One of the big “jokes” surrounding Grenda is that she has a super husky voice. Which is used in an actual humorous way all of once. Other than that, it just comes across as bad acting. I don’t have any real issues with the rest of the cast. They can be exaggerated at times, but there’s always a reason for it. The music is good. I especially like the theme tune, which is evocative of the whole surreal aesthetic except when it changes for the ending stretch. In which case it’s evocative of the situation they’ve found themselves in.

Final Thoughts:

I honestly didn’t expect to like Gravity Falls as much as I did. Especially given my history with cartoons that are lauded as “amazing” & “perfect for adults too.” But it more than won me over with its ceaseless charm, endearing characters, creative scenarios, strong sense of humour & virtually everything else. Ultimately, compared to everything I liked about the series, my few complaints are pretty mild. This is one I’ll probably re-watch at some point. My final rating is going to stand at a well deserved 9/10.