Koi Wa Ameagari no You ni: Outpaced by the Average Snail

Koi Wa Ameagari no You ni is one of those anime that just looks awful from the premise. The whole series seems to be about a High School student developing romantic feelings for her middle aged boss. But let’s keep an open mind. Maybe the series isn’t as bad as the premise would lead us to believe. Maybe Wit Studio does an amazing job like they did with Vinland Saga or Shingeki no Kyojin.

Story:

Tachibana Akira is a former track and field star who was forced to leave the team due to a nasty leg injury. She started working a part time job at a restaurant and developed a crush on the manager. She gets him to agree to one date but, not being a massive creep, he quickly puts her into the friend zone. Which may be just what she needs to reignite her passion for athletics and just what he needs to rekindle his love of writing.

So, let’s start with the pressing question. Is the anime as bad as the premise makes it seem? The answer is no. It focuses more on them developing a friendship and ends with them not in a romantic relationship even though it leaves open the possibility that it could happen in future. The series is more focused on overcoming difficult times and forging ahead. So, that brings us to the next obvious question, is the anime good? And here’s where the fans stop celebrating because I’m going to say no to that one as well.

There are two massive problems with this one. The first is the pacing. This anime should be about four episodes long given what the actual story is. Unfortunately, they drag every single goddamn scene out to two or three times as long as they need to be and throw in a lot of filler. That isn’t charming, fun, clever or entertaining in any way. It literally just acts as padding. The second issue is that a lot of the scenes are unbearably cringey. Part of it is just the general slow pacing leading to super awkward, long pauses and another big factor is simply that the dialogue is frequently horrendously bad. Tachibana will talk like she’s in a really bad melodrama and the manager, Kondou, frequently talks like a teacher in one of those stupid teen films that’s supposed to be inspirational but it’s just cheesy.

Characters:

The big issue with the characters is just that they’re under-developed and boring. For a series that drags everything out to an agonising extent, it certainly doesn’t use all that extra time to make the characters interesting or compelling in any regard. It’s also very much one of those works where the resolution gets dragged out because the main dude is a weak-willed Fuck who won’t just come out and say what he means. There are around three extra episodes solely because he can’t bring himself to just reject Tachibana right away.

Art:

The artwork looks fine. There are some nice details for the backgrounds, the restaurant food and such. The animation is overly slow but it’s fine. The only real issue is that the character designs are a little boring. There’s just nothing that really stands out about them.

Sound:

The acting is fine. This is one of those anime where it suffers from the lack of character depth. There’s also an issue of the cringey dialogue being a bit stilted and awkward which you especially hear from Watabe Sayumi. The music isn’t memorable or interesting which does match the series proper.

Ho-yay:

It seems a little bit like Kondou’s writer friend, Chihiro, has a thing for him. But just a little.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Stop dragging every little sequence out far longer than it needs to be. Things should never be dragged out because your main guy can’t find his bollocks.
2. Instead of wasting so much time with filler and long pauses, actually give your characters some complexity.
3. Stop being so cringe.

Final Thoughts:

While this series isn’t as unbearable as the premise would lead you to believe, it’s still pretty shit. Far too slow, cringey as a Melissa McCarthy performance, and completely lacking in any real redeeming qualities. It’s by far the worst Studio Wit anime I’ve seen. I’m giving it a 3/10.

A Final Response to Evangelion Fans

I didn’t want to talk about this anime again. But it’s one of those series where the fanbase is incredibly exhausting and can’t seem to shut the hell up. So, I’m going to do one final post about it and the next time I get a rabid Eva fan trying to “debate” me about the series I’m going to just link them to this. Just to be clear, this isn’t a post for the Evangelion fans who also happen to be reasonable human beings with the ability to respect other people. So, if you’re an Eva fan and this all doesn’t apply to you. Congratulations, you’re one of the good ones and I just want you to know that all the insults I’m about to throw at Eva fans don’t apply to you they’re specifically targeting the rabid, butthurt variety of fan that’s so common for this anime.

To start with, I’m going to briefly summarise the problems I have with Evangelion as a series without using the sarcasm I employed for the actual review. First off, the characters are incredibly shallow in a way I find highly obnoxious. Shinji is whiny. Rei is emotionless. Asuka is a tsundere. Misato is the irresponsible drunk authority figure. Etc… A second big problem I have with it as a series is that I find it incredibly pretentious. It has a lot f elements that seem like they should have some kind of deeper meaning but if you actually examine them closely and look at what Hideaki Anno himself has to say, you realise that they’re just the way they are to look/ sound cool rather than for any kind of actual depth. The third big issue I personally have with the series is that it has a lot f elements that would only work in a parody series or a series for little kids. The blatantly evil organisation, the monster of the week, the penguin who lives in the freezer, using DDR as a training tool to battle the monster and those are just the most prominent examples. Then, in highly clashing fashion, it has elements that are edgelord levels of dark and serious. The EVA units causing great pain to their pilots when they get damaged, the Rei backstory where the former version got strangled to death, Shinji furiously masturbating over Asuka’s unconscious body, everyone becoming tang and those are, again, just a few big examples. The series is full of highly conflicting writing elements that don’t belong in a single series.

Now, on to the fanbase. This is one of those anime where there are incredibly zealous and staunch defenders who will write massive, rambling, borderline incoherent essays on why anyone who doesn’t like the series is factually wrong and probably has low cognitive function. And one of the things I find fascinating about these people is that they have no self awareness. I have quite literally had conversations with multiple Eva fans who try to take two contradictory positions and argue them at the same time. The first is that the series has a deep, inherent meaning and you don’t get it because you aren’t smart enough. There are two major flaws I always bring up when I hear this. The first is that the creator, Hideaki Anno, has said that there isn’t. So, if the creator didn’t put a deep meaning in the series, how is there an inherent deep meaning to it? Did a Chihuahua sneak into the office and cram it in there while no one was looking? The second is that these same fans who advocate for an inherent deep meaning love to discuss the multiple ways you can interpret the story. Which kind of contradicts the idea of an inherent deep meaning.

This brings in the second argument which is that the viewer’s interpretation is king and the series is a great example for the concept of “death of the author.” But there’s a big issue with this argument that these absolute buffoons never want to acknowledge. If it’s all about viewer response, that means the negative responses, including people like myself who think the series is absolute shallow rubbish, are just as valid as the positive responses. And the reason this is a problem for them is because they don’t want to admit that people hating the series is just as valid as loving the series. I guess that would just be too much for their incredibly smooth brains to handle.

So, what ultimately happens is that they try to have it both ways. They want the series to be inherently deep and meaningful so they can be massive douchebags towards the people who dare to dislike it but they also want to have all the positive interpretations be valid and ignore what Anno has said about the series and they can’t understand how it’s a major contradiction. But, somehow, the people who don’t like the series are the ones who just aren’t smart. You guys are the ones who are trying to take two separate stances.

The series either has a deep, inherent meaning, which would have to come from the creator and would translate to it having a correct way to interpret everything in it. Which means most of your pet theories are wrong. Or it’s all about the audience response. In which case my thoughts on the series are just as valid as yours. Which I actually don’t have a problem with. As far as I’m concerned, you can absolutely love the anime and read whatever meaning you want into it while I can hate the anime and verbally eviscerate it. Sounds like a win/ win to me. But the whole idea that both are true is just asinine and illogical.

Let me make one thing clear, again, I don’t have a problem with people who like Evangelion or any other anime that I don’t like. What I have a problem with is people who think harassing someone because they had an opinion that isn’t the same as yours is okay. And to those people I say, you’re an absolute Troglodyte and you don’t understand the concept of taste in media. There is no such thing as objectively good media nor is there such a thing as objectively bad media. There’s popular and unpopular media. There’s realistic and unrealistic media. But when you start making value judgements about “good” and “bad” you’ve moved into subjective territory. I’m not saying it’s wrong to talk about your subjective ideas but do try and have some awareness about it. That’s it for this little rant. I’m going to try and get back into regular reviews starting this Wednesday. I have literally two episodes left to watch for the anime in question so it shouldn’t be a problem to finish. Will I do more rants lambasting shitty fans of certain anime? Maybe if I get tired of another fanbase in the same way. If I’m being honest the Gintama fans were kind of close but they largely calmed down and I haven’t heard from one of them in quite a while.

January Bonus Review: Spider-man the animated series

Spider-man is one of the biggest Marvel super heroes out there and one of the most mistreated when you look at events like One More Day and Dying Wish. But before those events were terrible ideas that got green-lit due to what I like to call dumbass editors, the character was highly beloved and got a lot of attention in video games, spin-offs and adaptations. The one I’m looking at today started airing in 1994 and followed the success of the masterpiece X-men cartoon that began airing two years prior. This will be the third Spidey cartoon I’ve looked at after Unlimited and Spectacular Spider-man. Let’s hope it’s also the best.

Story:

Peter Parker used to be an average student until he was bitten by a radioactive spider and gained spider powers. After the tragic death of his uncle Ben he learned that he had to use those powers responsibly. We all know the origin by now. The main difference in this particular cartoon is that they tie it into an experimental science called Neogenics which also ties into a lot of the villain origins and story arcs within the cartoon.

The biggest issue with the writing in the cartoon is that they repeat the whole “My uncle Ben used to tell me, with great power there must also come great responsibility” line a lot and there are several flashbacks with him that get shown a lot as well. Now, I do understand it from a character perspective. This is Peter’s mantra and the flashbacks are showing defining moments from his life. However, it can get tiring from a viewing perspective. Especially when you’re watching multiple episodes in a row. The Secret War event in this is also over-simplified. A big part of what made the comic version so good is that it separated characters based on their motivations in this it’s just Good vs Evil with no real definition for the terms.

With that out the way, there are a lot of elements that make this a stellar Spider-man cartoon. A lot of its events are solid adaptations of comic events. It has some very intense moments like the whole Man-Spider arc or the Daredevil appearance where Peter gets accused of treason. The series starts out being episodic before doing the same thing as the X-men cartoon where there are ongoing plots and episodes may or may not be connected to them. Which doesn’t work as well with this as it did in that cartoon but it comes close.

Characters:

There’s a pretty significant cast. In addition to Spidey’s side cast with Aunt May, Harry Osborn, Mary Jane, Felicia Hardy, Jonah Jameson, Robbie, Terry Lee and Dr. Mariah Crawford there’s a massive rogue’s gallery and a lot of side characters who appear to help Spidey out of various situations including the X-men, Daredevil, The Punisher, Captain America and Nick Fury. Especially Nick Fury, he’s a semi-regular character. Most of them are handled really well in terms of their characterisation. It’s also worth noting that, unlike Unlimited, Spidey himself is excellently written in this. He’s quick-witted, clever and delivers some fantastic one liners. Unlike the fucking Phys Ed “quip” from Unlimited. The Black Cat is also an amazing character in this.

The Fantastic Four is a bit of an exception. This cartoon has the same problem as a lot of Silver Age comics where it unintentionally makes Dr. Doom look like an amazing leader and the good old FF looks kind of petty. I mean, he creates an idyllic society on the alien planet the Beyonder drops them on and gives The Thing the ability to transform into his normal, human self.

Art:

The artwork in this blends traditional and CG elements and they don’t always work well together. There are also some noticeable art mistakes and it’s worth noting that the X-men don’t exactly look like they do in their own series when they appear here. Every character is just a bit off and it’s a bit weird. You’d think they could use the X-men cartoon, which had already been running for years, as an example. The Punisher is another weird one. Normally he wears black with his skull emblem but in this cartoon they give him a bright teal outfit for some reason.

With that being said, this cartoon largely looks good. Spidey, his rogue’s gallery, and most of the side characters look like their comic counter-parts. The animation flows well and a lot of the action sequences are appropriately intense and neat looking. Even though it does that American cartoon thing where bullets are replaced by laser beams. Which I maintain is bizarre for a country that’s so obsessed with real life guns.

Sound:

The acting in this is pretty solid. Christopher Barnes, Sara Ballantine, Jennifer Hale, Linda Gary, Majel Barret, Jim Cummings, David Warner, Mark Hamill and many other talented voice actors worked on this. The only real criticism I have is that there are a few very intense moments where Barnes goes overboard. A great example being the notorious “Get Back here Shocker! Shocker, you can’t escape me, I’ll chase you to the ends of the Earth.” line during the symbiote story arc. The music is fantastic. The theme tune in particular rocks.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Fewer flashbacks or more varied flashbacks would have been nice.
2. Give the Punisher his proper costume. Teal is such a weird colour to use. Especially when the character is supposed to be operating low profile.
3. Barnes should have used a bit more nuance during those intense, shouting scenes. The way he does it is just too much.

Final Thoughts:

While Spider-man the animated series isn’t on the level of, say, X-men or some other super hero cartoons, it’s still excellently done with strong episodes, a great sense of adventure, and the best depiction of Spidey himself that I can recall from any adaptation. Taken as a whole, I’ll give it a 9/10.

Fresh PreCure: The First Team Precure to do it right

The Precure franchise is one I’ve talked about pretty frequently. I started with Doki Doki and then I went back to the beginning with Futari Wa and I’ve been going in order since. So far about half of the franchise has been really good (Futari wa, Splash Star & Doki Doki) and half has been mediocre (Max Heart, Yes Precure 5 & Yes Precure 5 Go Go). When I talked about Go Go, the topic came up about how it nearly killed the franchise and I speculated that the likely cause was that the characters in Yes Precure 5 weren’t strong enough to carry a second series. Hell, they couldn’t carry a single series and have it be good. Well, Fresh Precure was the series that revitalised the franchise and ensured that it could keep going even to this day. So, I’m pretty excited to see this one.

Story:

Tart and Chiffon are two denizens of the Sweets kingdom. Tart is given two important tasks, find the legendary warriors, Precure and look after Chiffon. The pair wind up in Clover Town where they meet up with Momozono Love, a girl who loves dancing and her very close friends, Miki and Buki. Obviously, all three of them are Precure. The three of them have to defend Clover Town from the denizens of the shadowy, mysterious labyrinth who are trying to fill the sorrow gauge to locate Infinity, while also seeking out the fourth Precure.

The only real criticism I have for the narrative of this one is that I think the fourth Precure’s integration into the group and redemption are a bit too easy. I don’t want to go deep into spoiler territory, but this girl starts out more in the lawful evil alignment and just transitions to lawful good really quickly and immediately redeems herself. I get that it’s a series for a younger audience and they don’t want to be too fixated on a long redemption arc but I also think even Splash Star had a more gradual, stronger redemption story for Kaoru & Michiru and that a couple episodes where she has to really prove herself and work for that redemption would have done wonders.

With that said, the series has a lot of strong twists and turns. The whole theme about cooperating as a group but still being individuals versus complete conformity is an interesting one and the series handles it well. The series even takes digs at being overly individualistic when our heroines decide that they’re going to hone their own individual strengths only to realise that they’re stronger when they work as a unit. I also do love the whole ending sequence. Again, I don’t want to spoil anything, but what happens with the girls and their families as well as the way they affect Labyrinth once they go there and the truth about Moebius are all pretty brilliant. This series also has a strong subplot where there are some boys who are romantically interested in our heroines and we see them look for ways to let them down kindly without anyone being treated like “the bad guy” in that situation. The series also possesses a great sense of humour. There are a lot of strong comedic moments. The writers also knew how to pace things so that there’s a steady progression but there’s also plenty of time for the girls to face various monsters of the week, have light-hearted fun moments and build their relationships with each other.

Characters:

The Precure are all fantastic. Peach, Berry, Pine and Passion. They have strong personalities with plenty of information and build up for their back stories that help craft characters that are surprisingly complex. Fresh also does a really good job of building up their parents as characters. We get to meet Love’s, Buki’s and Miki’s families, see how they interact with each other and get a strong sense of the parents’ personalities. Which really pays off during the ending stretch when we get that excellent scene with the parents. This is also the first Precure series where all the heroines seem to be in a polyamorous grouping with each other. They have strong interactions and they’re very yuririffic. We saw the same thing with everyone except Ace in Doki Doki but this is clearly the instalment that started it.

I also do appreciate the antagonists. The whole Eas, Wester & Soular trio is really strong. Wester is actually kind of a delightful goofball. Moebius has a compelling back story and motivation once the series gets into it and stops having him as a shadowy villain figure. Northa and Klein are kind of the weaknesses there since they’re both a bit boring but the series actually explains why the pair of them aren’t complex and it’s in a way that works.

Art:

The character designs are fantastic. I especially like Cure Passion’s costuming though they did an excellent job of giving all the Precure costumes that are kind of similar but have their own individual touches. The monster designs and action sequences continue to be strong. The dance choreography we get in various episodes and with the ending theme tune is really good. The one criticism I can offer is that the series might spend a little too much time on the stock footage. Though this one spends a lot less on that stuff than Go Go did.

Sound:

The acting is excellent. Oki Kanae, Kitamura Eri, Nakagawa Akiko, Komatsu Yuka, Matsumoto Yasunori and the rest of the cast do a really good job and they all play off of each other like they’re performing a stage production instead of voice acting. The music is amazing too.

Ho-yay:

There’s a lot in this series. Every member of Precure seems to be romantically interested in every other member. It’s especially true with the other three and Love but they get their moments with each other as well.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Cure Passion’s redemption arc could have used a few episodes that explored the whole thing more deeply.
2. The series could have benefited from abridging the stock footage a bit more.
3. Maybe a bit longer for the epilogue.

Final Thoughts:

It’s pretty obvious why this series brought the franchise back. It’s excellent. The characterisation, action, sense of fun, just about everything in the series works really well. Yes Precure 5 may have been the first instalment in the franchise to put the focus on a group dynamic but this was definitely the first instalment that did it well. My final rating is going to be a 9/10. If you’re a fan of magical girl stuff, especially when they’re heavy on les-yay, this is one for you.

Gunslinger Girl: Il Teatrino OVA

I’ve gone over most of the anime Gunslinger Girl series. This time around we’re finishing the series with the OVA, like Il Teatrino, this one was handled by Artland. Let’s see if it’s as amazing as the first two series.

Story:

We open the first episode with Jean meeting with someone from his past who alludes to the loss of an important woman in his life. This gradually transitions to Angelica and Rico dealing with different groups of terrorists. The second episode gets more into Jean and Jose’s past while they give Rico and Henrietta some time to relax.

The narrative in the OVA is a lot looser and more based on giving us character back stories than on giving the girls a grand mission to accomplish. We learn a lot about Jean and Jose and how they became involved with the SWA. We also get some insight into why they treat their little sisters the way they do. It’s not a bad idea and it does help develop the characters though it may be a bit slow and it’s very light on action compared to the series proper. If anything, the action we do get is kind of arbitrary. They need action because it’s a franchise where that’s a big focus but the whole brief mission they undergo doesn’t really have anything to it beyond the brief interaction with Jean and the guy from his past.

Characters:

The OVA focuses on Jean & Rico as well as Jose and Henrietta. We get brief appearances from various other characters but those four are the important ones. We learn more details about Rico’s past and how her life was before she joined the SWA and why she loves her cyborg body and new life so much. Along with the aforementioned information about Jose and Jean’s past. Which is pretty nice. It really helps humanise the two of them.

Art:

The artwork and animation both look good with a strong attention to detail. Very much like Il Teatrino provided.

Sound:

Shiono Anri, Akutsu Kana, Mito Kouzou and Koyasu Takehiton all return, from Il Teatrino, obviously. And they do perform their roles well. Koyasu and Shiono in particular get some really strong sequences. The music is well composed.

Ho-yay:

There’s not really any. Henrietta and Rico are mainly enjoying a quiet moment with each other and their handlers but in a very platonic way.

Areas of Improvement:

1. If you want a brief, peaceful respite to wind down from Il Teatrino, you don’t need to throw in a short, insignificant action part. I know that’s weird to say but it’s pretty clear that the meat of the OVA is adding character depth and exploring back stories.
2. The whole sequence where Jean is arguing with what’s probably a hallucination would work better if it focused more on him and his actions and less on Jose’s. We can sort of connect the dots as they apply to Jose without him being mentioned there.
3. There really should be more closure for Triela given what happened in Il Teatrino. Yeah, she’s in this briefly but it’s really not much.

Final Thoughts:

This OVA really isn’t as strong as the series proper. It’s not as cohesive and there are definitely elements that noticeably should have been better handled. With that being said, it is nice to see some quieter, less action heavy moments to wrap up Il Teatrino. It’s also interesting to learn more about these characters. If you’re a fan of Gunslinger Girl’s characterisation, I’d definitely recommend this OVA. On the other hand, if you’re someone who only watches it for the action this isn’t going to be what you’re looking for and I definitely wouldn’t recommend it as your first foray into the franchise. I’d go with Madhouse’s thirteen episode series for that. My rating is going to be a solid 8/10. Maybe not as strong as the series proper, but still pretty great.

December Bonus Review #4: History of the World- Part 1

This is the final bonus review of 2022 and I wanted to talk, once again, about comedic genius and arguably the best comedic director of all time, Mel Brooks. I’ve talked about several of his films already Twelve Chairs, Silent Movie, Spaceballs & Dracula Dead and Loving it. This time I’m taking a look 1981’s History of the World: Part 1.

Story:

The film is basically a parody of educational, historical films where they get a narrator to give you facts while actors recreate significant events. We go from the prehistoric era to Old Testament events to the Roman empire to the Spanish Inquisition to The French Revolution and end with a preview of events to come with our narrator feeding us historical facts at various points while the on screen action is completely absurd.

Part of the brilliance of the film is the contrast between the narrator and the action. The narrator, voiced by Orson Welles, sounds as serious and factual as the narrator in one of the actual educational films would sound all while the action on screen is largely ahistorical and farcical. Another thing that really works excellently about the film is that the comedy frequently takes an unexpected form but it’s all very clever. Who else but Mel freaking Brooks would think to turn the horrors of the Spanish Inquisition into a full on musical number? The brief appearance from Oedipus is also hilarious. Brooks finds various aspects of every single era he visits to make jokes about and no segment runs too long. It’s perfectly paced. We see Brook’s signature blend of quick-witted dialogue, farce, strong visual gags, risqué jokes and meta-humour and it’s all at its peak in this film.

Characters:

Each segment has its own set of characters. They aren’t super complex but they do have strong quirks that play well off of one another. Which works excellently for comedic effect. Obviously there are some portrayals of real historical figures like Emperor Nero, Leonardo da Vinci and Louis XVI. And they’re not even attempting to be historically accurate which would bother me if this were even remotely trying to be serious but it’s not so I really don’t care.

Cinematography, Visuals & Effects:

The film has excellent visual gags. They also got some solid costumes for the various eras. There are definitely some special effects that look kind of cheesy and low budget but it honestly makes some of the gags funnier. The Tyrannosaurus scene, for example, would not have been nearly as funny with a hyper realistic looking dinosaur. As usual, Brooks is a master of setting up his shots for the maximum comedic effect.

Acting & Music:

They got some amazing actors for this. In addition to Brooks playing a shit tonne of roles himself we have the legendary Madeline Khan, Dom DeLuise, Harvey Korman, Gregory Hines, Cloris Leachman, Bea Arthur and a bunch of other actors who all absolutely kill t with their impeccable timing and delivery. John Morris did an excellent job with the score too. I also do love the Inquisition musical number. It may not be musically amazing but it’s really hysterical from start to finish.

Final Thoughts:

This film exemplifies just why Mel Brooks is one of the greats, if not the absolute best in terms of comedic directors. The jokes are on point. The acting is amazing. The project itself was highly ambitious with just how many time periods it covers and it does an impeccable job with all of them. This is definitely a comedic masterpiece and stands among Brooks’ best films. Which is high praise considering just how many masterpieces he directed. My final rating for History of the World Part 1 is going to be a 10/10.

December Bonus Review #3: Police Academy- The Animated Series

There was a point in time where American animation studios were picking up a lot of completely not child friendly properties and turning them into cartoons for children. I’ve reviewed one of these, Mortal Kombat, already. Now, we’re looking at a choice that’s just as baffling. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Police Academy films, they were a series of raunchy adult comedy films mostly aired throughout the mid to late 80s with the seventh and final one airing in 1994. And when executives at Warner Brothers and Ruby-Spears heard the words “raunchy comedy” they obviously knew that they had to turn this property into a cartoon for kids. Note, I’m only going to be looking at the first series of the cartoon. It had a second but I’m not going that deep into it unless you guys really want a follow up.

Story:

We follow Carey Mahoney and his group of misfit officers as they solve various bizarre crimes. All while Captain Harris plots to have their badges as he considers them a nuisance. So, instead of having zany cop hijinks with raunchy jokes, we have zany cop hijinks with goofy jokes.

I have to say, this cartoon wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, the humour is very childish but it’s also a cartoon for kids. And If I’d been able to speak English as a child and watched this, I probably would have found it pretty funny. Jokes like an operatic diva falling for a guy because she can see her own reflection in his sunglasses or a baby driving a police car or Zed wearing a tutu and blonde wig to go undercover as a female wrestler would have appealed to me at that age. There are definitely jokes that wouldn’t have gotten a reaction from me too. Like the whole joke about House constantly eating. Yeah, I get it. He’s fat but I feel like there are a lot of fat jokes out there that are much more clever than just “fat guy eats constantly.” Another one is all the random bazookas. We have bazookas that fire dogs as projectiles or shoes or ice cream. There are so many much more clever gags to make about spy style gadgets than just pick a random thing and make a bazooka that fires it. It’s like the writers weren’t really trying which they probably weren’t.

One element that really doesn’t work in this cartoon is the public service announcements at the end of every episode. I know, this was a thing that American cartoons had to do because there was some weird standard about cartoons having to have a set amount of educational content. That doesn’t change the fact that these messages are dumb. And some of them are just bizarre. For example, in one of these we see Callahan looking for hiding cadets and she finishes checking various areas like under the bed or in the closet by telling us that we can’t hide from a fire. Was that actually a problem in American households? Were children actually trying to hide from fires? Is this why the American government had to ban Kinder Eggs because kids over there are just really stupid?

The cartoon also features a lot of moments where you’re just expected to not think. Very first episode we have a gang of clowns. They frame Sweetchuck, Zed and House for their crimes in spite of us seeing the aforementioned three cops in pursuit of them with witnesses. Yeah, no one would notice that little switch. It always bothers me in these kids cartoons when they just act like children don’t know how to think. Then again, they also find it necessary to tell kids not to hide from a fire by crawling under their bed.

Characters:

The characters are simplified versions of their film counter-parts that largely rely on simple quirks. Jones does sound effects and knows karate. Tackleberry and Callahan are obsessed with firepower. Hightower is big and strong. Hooks is small and soft-spoken. Zed is dumb. Sweetchuck is clumsy and a bit of a wimp. House is fat. Mahoney is mischievous. I suppose the quirks work well enough for a more comedic series made for kids although they should still have stronger interactions.

One thing I do like about the way they handle their characters is that they do a pretty decent job of making all nine of their major characters consistently useful and giving them things to do. So if you were a fan of a particular character you would get plenty of chances to see them in action.

As for the antagonists, they have the same major flaws that the villains in that Hasbro C.O.P.S cartoon did. They don’t have any subtlety and will quickly expose themselves as villains with little or no prodding. They’re just evil for the evils.

Art:

The art is pretty mediocre. This is one of those cartoons where they recycle footage and there are stretches where characters will barely move to save money. The animation is also a bit awkward and choppy. The character designs look like they wanted them to resemble the film versions but they didn’t want to use the actor likenesses. Which was probably the case since they would have had to pay the actors if the cartoon characters had looked like them.

Sound:

The acting has the issue that a lot of American cartoons of this era suffered from. Each character type has a specific voice associated with them. So, Zed sounds like the dumb character. House sounds like the fat character and so on. They’re very much performances that leave no room for nuance or subtlety. The music is fine. Although, with the theme tune, I can’t understand half the words. The singer runs them together in a weird way during portions of the song that make them virtually incomprehensible.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Put some more effort into the gags. Just because it’s for children, doesn’t mean your jokes have to be low effort. Lots of more comedy focused cartoons for kids have had effort put into them.
2. Make the major characters a bit more complex and interesting.
3. Get your singer to take the marbles out of his mouth.

Final Thoughts:

As bizarre as the concept of a cartoon based off of a raunchy adult comedy is, I actually think this is a stronger cops and robbers style cartoon than C.O.P.S was. It does a better job of letting all the characters shine and using them consistently. The comedic tone makes it more enjoyable to watch and gives it some more leeway for the cartoon stupidity when the writers don’t quite think things through. It’s still not a good cartoon but it’s actually pretty decent. I was expecting another cartoon I could tear to shreds like I did with Mortal Kombat but I’m actually going to give this one a 6/10. Maybe try a few episodes if you’re morbidly curious.

Princess Principal: Steampunk, Spies and Sapphism

Princess Principal is a mid to late 2017 original anime from Actas (the studio behind Girls und Panzer & Tales of Phantasia) and 3Hz (a studio I’ve never watched anything from. Still, the stuff I’ve reviewed from Actas has a strong track record. So, let’s be hopeful.

Story:

The narrative is set in an alternate history where the great nation of Albion has been split in two, the Kingdom and the Commonwealth. The two parts are separated by a wall and spies from both sides conduct covert missions encroaching into each others’ territory. Yeah, I know what that’s like. We follow a group of young girls sided with the Commonwealth and allied with the Kingdom’s Princess, Charlotte, as they conduct a variety of missions.

The one issue I have with this anime is that the episodes are in a really bizarre order. Up until the last couple of episodes we jump around in time for seemingly no narrative reason. If anything, it somewhat weakens the tension since we’ve generally already seen a later mission and we know our main protagonists are going to get through the situation they’re in just fine. It feels like the writers just didn’t plan ahead and they’re filling in character back stories with missions when they think of them.

With that issue out the way, there are a lot of strong elements to this series. The spy missions are interesting and the series does manage to maintain a degree of tension in spite of the random episode ordering simply by presenting intriguing situations, side characters who could killed off and making you curious about how the girls are going to resolve the mission. It also has an ongoing story about the Princess and Ange and their past together that has a lot of compelling facets. The spy elements are really strong in this as well. There’s very rarely a mission where everything is what it seems to be. There’s a lot of betrayal and scheming. And the operations are largely clandestine. Yes, sometimes we get big action sequences but there are also plenty of situations where the girls sneak in and out in a very measured way so that they aren’t detected. The series is also really good at introducing elements of the world and its politics in a very natural way that makes it feel like a well thought out, strongly developed world. The climax is really good too and has a lot of strong moments. The pacing is really good too.

Characters:

There are five major characters in the group. Dorothy, Ange, Charlotte, Beatrice and Chise. One of the big strengths of this series is that each and every one of them has a solid back story that gives them a strong motivation behind why they’re doing what they’re doing. They also have really excellent interpersonal relationships and interactions. They’re also very complex characters with moral ambiguity since the antagonistic spy net is also shown as having strong reasons behind what they’re doing and every single one of the major characters does some things that aren’t exactly paragon. The series takes a very pragmatic stance on morality in general. Which I appreciate because the world isn’t as black and white as a lot of media paints it to be.

Art:

The art looks really nice. The character designs are really good. The steampunk aesthetic is fantastic. The action sequences are appropriately intense and flow very well. The one issue I have with the artwork is that their spy disguises largely shouldn’t work. Most of the girls cover the bottom parts of their faces when going into an intense moment where they’ll be seen but you would think that seeing the upper halves of their face would be enough to identify them. Even if things are moving quickly.

Sound:

They got some talented ladies for this series. Imamura Ayaka, Tachi You, Sekine Akira, Furuki Nozomi & Kageyama Akari all deliver excellent performances that have a lot of subtlety behind them. Kajiura Yuki’s musical score is perfectly suited to the series and really accentuates the action on screen.

Ho-yay:

There’s a lot. Especially betwixt Ange and Charlotte who talk about changing the world so they can be together or running away together at various points in the series. But, to an extent, all five of the girls seem to be into each other. There’s also a female side character in one episode who seems to have a thing for Dorothy.

Areas of Improvement:

1. The series really should have been in chronological order.
2. Better disguises would have helped sell the spy situation.
3. It would have been nice to have a few little scenes where the girls talk about things unrelated to their work.

Final Thoughts:

This anime is excellent. The steampunk aesthetic makes for a great backdrop to the espionage intrigue. The character relationships are really good and every aspect of the series is really strong. Are there a few things that could have been executed a little better? Yes. Do they have a major detrimental effect on the series as a whole? No. My final rating is going to be a very enthusiastic 9/10. If you like steampunk or spy stories you’ll probably enjoy this. If you like both, you’ll almost certainly be interested in this one.

December Bonus Review #2: Frozen

In 2013 Disney released Frozen and it became a massive success. It’s had shorts, a sequel and a bunch of tie-in merchandise. Is it actually as good as all that would indicate? Let’s have a look.

Story:

In the distant land of Arendelle there live two princesses, Anna and Elsa. Elsa is born with great powers and must learn to control them from a bald man in a wheelchair and defend people who fear and hate her. Wait, wrong franchise. What actually happens is that there’s an accident and Elsa hurts her little sister. This results in her parents consulting with some trolls. They come to the decision to isolate Elsa and try to bring her powers under control. Obviously this goes wrong. The parents die in an offscreen shipwreck and we resume things with Elsa being crowned, still trying to keep her powers under wraps.

I’m actually going to start with the elements I like about the film instead of the elements I don’t. First off, I like the fact that the film actually acknowledges how dumb it is to get engaged to someone you’ve just met. Even if it does feel very disingenuous coming from Disney where at least half their princesses pursue some dude they barely know and, in some cases haven’t even talked to. I also appreciate the message that you can’t change someone but you can inspire them to be their best self. Although that one also feels disingenuous coming from Disney where many a Princess has gotten involved with a complete douchebag only to change him through the power of love. Hi Belle. Hi Rapunzel. It’s also nice to see a Disney film that puts more focus on a familial relationship than on a romantic one. I think the only two times Disney actually had that as their focus before this were Lilo & Stitch and Brave. Except both of those films did it better. I also do like the fact that the act of true love we see in the film is platonic and not romantic.

My main issue with this film is that there are some major elements that are hugely under-developed. The relationship betwixt Anna and Elsa feels like they had an outline of they’re close as children, they start drifting apart because of the accident then they reunite but the writers barely went beyond that. The antagonist’s defeat is also a real let down. With most Disney villains we get to see them beaten in some epic way. Even Disney’s worst animated film had the villain rammed with a literal boat. In this he just kind of has his sword broken and staggers back pathetically afterwards. It’s a very weak finish.

Characters:

I like the idea of Anna and Elsa and their relationship, even if it’s not executed all that well. I also like the idea of the twist villain even though he goes out like a pathetic little bitch. Olaf is a massive annoyance and by far one of the worst mascot character’s in Disney’s animated library. Most of their mascots don’t do that much they’re just sort of there looking cute and might help in some small way. Olaf never shuts the fuck up and ninety percent of what he says is stupid.

Art:

The film looks good. They have strong character designs and the characters have very detailed expressions. There are some strong set pieces with Elsa’s ice castle or with the troll village.

Sound:

The acting is pretty good. especially from Idina Menzel and Kristen Bell. The only bad performance comes from Josh Gad but a big part of that is just that his character is so completely insufferable. What I really want to talk about is the music. Frozen is one of those Disney films that has one really good song, Let it Go, some practical songs that serve specific purposes within the film but aren’t great musically and the completely pointless song, In Summer. Hey, at least it has one song that’s worth listening to on its own.

Ho-yay:

There isn’t any. I know that Idina Menzel said in an interview that she wouldn’t mind if Disney gave Elsa a girlfriend but it doesn’t happen and I doubt the sequel does either. Methinks Disney is still a good ways off from having an openly lesbian princess in one of their main line films.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Just get rid of Olaf completely.
2. Elsa and Anna really need a better developed relationship dynamic for what the film is trying to do.
3. The villain’s defeat should be a lot more dynamic. The easy way would be to have his sword broken and then let Elsa just blast him with ice or encase him in a block of it. Either one would have been more interesting to look at.

Final Thoughts:

Now, maybe I’m overly cynical, but I don’t really see the widespread appeal here. The film has some good ideas but none of them are all that well developed or executed. It only has one good song. The snowman is obnoxious. Overall, it’s just a decent film. Not good, certainly not great, but okay. I’m giving it a 6/10.

Area 88 OVA: Aces Low

Area 88 is a manga that ran from ’79 to ’86. So, this is even older than I am. In 1985 it got a three episode OVA from Pierrot. That’s right. The studio behind Ayashi no Ceres, Hikaru no Go & The Choujo. But not everything they’ve done is mediocre at best. They also did Yu Yu Hakusho and a few other good anime. But most of the anime I’ve reviewed from them don’t inspire confidence.

Story:

The basic story is that a Japanese commercial pilot named Kazama Shin is tricked into signing up for a mercenary force in war torn Aslan, not the lion. In order to be released from his contract he has to either accumulate enough credits or serve out his three year contract. Meanwhile, the man he was tricked by is climbing the ranks of the airline and plotting to take the highest position within it.

There are multiple story issues with this. First off, we’re told that Shin has full control over which missions he takes. Meaning that he could literally do nothing for three years and then go home. But instead he spends a bunch of time angsting about how he doesn’t want to kill anyone but he has no choice. It’s also worth mentioning that his girlfriend comes from a very wealthy family. Meaning he could sit back, send her a message asking for the money he needs to nullify the contract and she’d absolutely get it to him. And we know that the pilots on this base can send messages out of the country because we see it happen in later episodes. It just feels like he resigns himself to his “horrible fate” without actually trying to do anything about it.

Another issue is with one of the themes. The OVA tries to push this idea that if you go to war and kill other people you can’t return to civilian life. We see multiple characters who come to Area 88 because they just couldn’t go back to normal after being in the military service and the ending gives us another big example. Which is kind of insulting to all those people who served in the military and then returned home to lead perfectly normal lives. Is it difficult for some people, yes. But it’s not nearly as dire as this story portrays it. And, honestly, if I wanted to see an interesting story about an old soldier who couldn’t reintegrate into society, I’d watch Next Generation’s The Wounded, yet again.

Another issue I have is with the politics surrounding the airline company. They’re honestly incredibly boring and the only thing they contribute is giving the audience a sense of urgency for Kazama to return home. The problem is that he doesn’t know about the problems with the company. So, there’s no actual sense of urgency. Hell it takes so long for the problems to come to a head that he could have gotten home before anything happened if he’d bothered sending a single message or making a phone call. And this isn’t the only conflict within the OVA that’s incredibly under-developed and boring. The whole Aslan civil war is also just dull. We get some very basic details about why it’s being fought but there’s never any reason to give a shit and those few details are incredibly generic.

Characters:

The characters are pretty much complete rubbish. We have a lot of random Area 88 pilots with no real personalities and no memorable features whatsoever who constantly die and we’re supposed to be upset and see it as the tragedy of war but we barely spend any time with any of them so it really doesn’t work. I feel worse for Stormtrooper #6 than I do for any of these people. For major, named characters that get enough screen time to be somewhat memorable, we have Kazuma who’s a complete toolbox. Ryoko, the completely generic love interest. Kanzaki, the antagonist who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Micky, who may as well be a cardboard cut-out. And Saki, the leader of Area 88. His only distinguishing feature is his scar. I could bite off my toe nails and they’d be more interesting to watch than this group of “characters.”

Art:

The style of this OVA is dated but that’s not the problem with it. The big problem with it is that the aerial dogfights are slow and uninteresting. Yes, the parts that should be fast-paced and provide some spectacle are about as uninspired as action sequences get and they did it without hiring Michael Bay to direct. I wouldn’t have thought another director could make action sequences that dull.

Sound:

The acting is fine. Shiozawa Kaneto, Yasuhara Yoshito, Tamagawa Sakiko and the rest give acceptable performances. They just don’t have much to work with in terms of character complexity and it definitely shows. The music is almost as boring as the OVA itself. Which does make it suitable aesthetically.

Ho-yay:

There isn’t any.

Areas of Improvement:

1. The OVA would really benefit from picking one thing to focus on. Either the civil war or the airline drama. Clearly it couldn’t handle splitting the focus between them.
2. We need to see the reason that Shin doesn’t just send a message home asking for help. As is it just seems like he’s a complete moron.
3. We need interesting characters. Especially if you’re going to try and get us invested in their deaths. You can’t just tell us Siegfried died and expect us to feel something when we’ve only heard Siegfried’s name once and seen him for five seconds of screen time.

Final Thoughts:

This OVA is pretty bad. Is it the worst I’ve ever seen? Not even close. Hell, I’ve seen a lot worse from Pierrot. It just has nothing to recommend it. Boring characters, a half-baked plot, dull aircraft combat. My rating is going to be a 3/10.